Yes.

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Late Fragment

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

— Raymond Carver From A New Path to the Waterfall, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989.

Who?

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We Who Are Your Closest Friends
by Phillip Lopate

we who are
your closest friends
feel the time
has come to tell you
that every Thursday
we have been meeting
as a group
to devise ways
to keep you
in perpetual uncertainty
frustration
discontent and
torture
by neither loving you
as much as you want
nor cutting you adrift

your analyst is
in on it
plus your boyfriend
and your ex-husband
and we have pledged
to disappoint you
as long as you need us

in announcing our
association
we realize we have
placed in your hands
a possible antidote
against uncertainty
indeed against ourselves
but since our Thursday nights
have brought us
to a community of purpose
rare in itself
with you as
the natural center
we feel hopeful you
will continue to make
unreasonable
demands for affection
if not as a consequence
of your
disastrous personality

then for the good of the collective

Week.

Published / by violet / 3 Comments on Week.

I’m coming up on the end of a week off from work – a much needed week off from work – and while I can’t say that I’m enthused about the idea of returning to the office quite yet, I can say that I feel much better now than I did at the start of this time off.

I was determined to accomplish a bunch of things this week – and, for the most part, I did all of it. There are still a few thing on the list that I hope to finish up today and/or this weekend.

Mostly, I just wanted some empty-minded time to myself.  Alone. A bit of interaction with other humans but mostly just being lost in my thoughts and whims and getting things done that I needed/wanted to do.

I went for some long walks. I hung out in nature. I spent a day in Toronto. I spent another day in Hamilton. I went to the beach. I bought myself coffee a few times. I finished a bunch of books. Got some tattoo work done. Visited my piercing guy to get a ring put back in and some ideas for what’s next.

I slept late. I slept like a mutherfucking rock pretty much every night.

I have absolutely avoided my work email (which is impressive because I am not known for being able to avoid that) and my work texts and my work voice mail.  I’ve heard bits and pieces of work-related things, of course, but nothing that required me to put any thought into it. I know that the people around me could handle it in some way or another and, even if I would have done it differently, it doesn’t fucking matter because I was on vacation. Swooooooooon.

Coffee put new speakers on my computer so I can host raves in my bedroom (so! much! bass!). I made some jam. Gonna’ make some Cowgirl Candy and grape pie this weekend.

I didn’t clean up any part of my house beyond the absolute basics requirements (so, um, a few things are a little bit gross at the moment). I did laundry only so I had something to wear all week. I bought some new clothes for myself.

Coffee got a new car, so we went out for a little dinner date to celebrate (and so I could ride in his new car and appreciate the new car smell).

I hung out with the cats and the dog a bit. I saw a few friends for long enough to feel connected but not long enough to feel obligated. I said ‘no’ a bunch. I ate Roma Pizza and some Beach Road kielbasa.

I didn’t post to Facebook at all (other than things that auto-post, like my goodreads updates) and I barely read anything there. I posted lots of pictures to instagram. I ate ice cream.

And I figured some shit out.. which was on my list of things I wanted to do with this week.  I just needed the mental and physical space away from all my obligations in order to be able to actually think. To listen to my inner voice. Etc. Whatever.

It’s been a good week.

Title Here?

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Coffee has started the process of closing the pool, I’ve started weeding through my summer/winter clothing stashes, the pets are all shedding like mutherfuckers.. it’s getting really close to autumn.

I have no idea where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing since the last time I updated. Just.. life?

This morning the kids went back to school – the middle one is in his last year of high school and the youngest one is just starting grade 9.  It occurred to me a few days ago (or re-occurred, I guess) that in about 5 years, give or take, it will be possible for all of the kids to be out of the house and living independently.

The middle kid is still (from what I can tell) figuring out what he’d like to do after high school – he has expressed zero interest in college or university (in part, I suspect, because we told him he’d have to pay for part of it) . There are many other plans thrown about, however, and I’m curious to see where he lands, even if it’s a temporary landing while he figures things out further. He’ll be 18 in 5 months which is, of course, a whole other milestone.

To celebrate the kids’ return to school, I spent some time cleaning – washing the floors in the kitchen and hallway, scrubbing the bathroom upstairs, doing some pet laundry (blankets, towels, bedding, etc.), dusting various surfaces, decluttering others..  I quite enjoy the process of scrubbing away some of the summer grime. It’s nice to get the house smelling fresh and clean (and less like dog, cat, and stank feet).  A fresh start, I suppose, for the “new year”.

Spring cleaning is good – this feels much better.

Of course the problem with cleaning is that, the more you do the more you realize needs to be done.

For example, as I scrubbed floors today, I realized that someone needs to wash pretty much all the walls in this house, because they’re all covered in greasy dog spots (he likes to lean against the wall and slide down into his favourite sleeping positions), weird cat blurps (one cat often has porphyrin and sneezes a lot), and there are many, many hand prints at heights that would indicate they’re not caused by me (the shortest in the house), along with random scuffs and marks that look awful.

Dear children and pets: you’re all totally disgusting.

When I said “someone” needs to wash the walls, I meant someone other than me, btw.

 

 

And that’s it. That’s all I’ve got for the moment. I mean, there’s plenty of other stuff in my head, but this is my ‘hello, still alive!’ post for the time being. I have a bunch of chocolate covered almonds to eat before the kids get home.

Truth.

Published / by violet / Leave a Comment

We do not Believe in
Ourselves until someone
Reveals that deep inside us
Something is valuable,
Worth listening to, worthy
Of our touch, sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves we can
Risk curiosity, wonder, Spontaneous
Delight, or any experience that reveals
The human spirit.
— e.e. cummings