(I can’t be the only one who heard that ‘joke’ as a kid, right?)
I missed a couple of days already – in my defence, it’s been a ridiculous few weeks and this week, in particular, was jammed full of stuff every single day. Also, I forgot about NaBloPoMo. Next week is going to be a whole thing, too, so I clearly picked the wrong year to commit to this whole ‘write every day’ thing.
I’ve done a lot of talking this week and that, sometimes, makes it hard to think of something to write. I guess I get it out of my system a bit? I’ve had some really good thoughtful conversations (and a lot of hilarious discussions) and since talking is how I process things best, it’s been really helpful. There’s been a lot of feelings happening, so having the ability to talk about it to a lot of really empathetic, understanding people has been so good.
The past few days have been full of presentations and meetings and conference calls and more meetings and more presentations and van night and.. it’s been completely exhausting. On top of that, there’s.. some bigger stuff related to work.
The problem is that I can’t write about the situation that’s happening at work – in part because it has to do with someone (staff, I mean) who isn’t me, and in part because it’s so complex that I’d need a flow-chart, indexes, a page with a ‘cast’ listing, and it still wouldn’t be a good enough picture. There’s, like, the BIG problem, then a secondary big problem and a tertiary, too. Then a bunch of smaller (but still significant) problems.
And while I can’t excuse myself from the problems, and I am definitely involved here, I am also not overly responsible for the outcome. Other people – several of them – will need to figure out what they’re going to do and how they’re going to end this situation (on different levels).
See what I mean about complicated?
But I’ve been trying to figure out some ‘rules’ to get through the next few weeks and to keep myself focused in the face of others’ unpredictability.
- Take care of myself – and ask others to take care of me, too, as appropriate.
- Remember my role and be clear about it. There are things I need to do and there are things I will do and then.. there’s other stuff. Which leads into,
- Protect my boundaries. I genuinely like the people involved in some parts of the issues and I need to remember that I can genuinely like them without getting myself into stuff that I don’t need to be into.
- Do not encourage ‘side drama’. Everyone fucking loves to add shit to the pile, right?
- Let people take responsibility (or not) for their own stuff and the consequences associated with that choice.
- Remember to love.
I dunno, it’s all easier said than done. I have felt so much guilt about two of the BIG issues and, through talking to several people, have (mostly) managed to put that aside. I have questioned myself on multiple levels about how responsible I was for some of this (and, I know other have questioned it too, even when they didn’t say it).
And the only thing to do is learn the lessons, as best I can, identify the good parts and hold them tight, and then let the cards fall where they will. I’ll do my best to respond to whatever happens next in a balanced, steady way.
I am so grateful that it’s the weekend – that I can not read email, not check voice mail, not have to focus on anything other than doing my best to relax and live my own peaceful life.