There is a possibility that Coffee will have to travel for work at some point in the future and my mind has immediately gone to the worst-case-scenarios. I like to imagine myself as being a smart, strong, sensual woman – and to varying degrees I am – but the life I have constructed with Coffee is intended to minimize my weaknesses.
I have been half-joking about all the things that will go wrong – like a toilet will get clogged and, since I have no idea how to use a plunger, the youngest kid will need to shit into grocery bags until Coffee gets back later in the week.
Or what if something goes wrong with our electrical system? We’ll be living in the dark until Coffee returns because I’m afraid of the breaker panel in the basement and there is no way I’m getting near it.
WHAT IF THE INTERNET GOES OUT?!
And let’s not forget the actual simple practicalities of managing a life – walking the dog, feeding the cats, buying groceries, paying bills, doing laundry, shovelling snow (or mowing the lawn, depending on the season) and, oh, wait, I still have to go to work 5 days per week. Holy shit, I am not qualified.
Look – I’m really good at some things. But I have a lot of.. quirks. I’m fussy. I am not remotely self-reliant on, like, 30 different levels. My mental well-being depends on all the lovely structure that’s been crafted around me like those wooden stakes and ropes around a sapling.
Coffee has humoured me in these discussions, while reminding me that I can call a plumber or an electrician, I can google instructions for things, the kid can walk the dog, and that I can order groceries online so I don’t have to worry about endlessly wandering the store without supervision. (Too bad – I’ve already insisted that the kid and I will eat sandwiches and multivitamins.)
But he also reminded me that the more likely outcome is that I’ll be just fine and that I will have a hard time adjusting to him being home again after he’s been away for a bit. And I admit, I will likely need to adjust – because I get very, very lost in my head sometimes.
Maybe it’s an only child thing – spending a lot of time alone, lost in thought, with a very controllable (by me) environment, is something with which I am very comfortable. I know that I lean towards the hyperfocus aspect of ADD and it’s hard for me to drag myself out. I describe it as being “in the flow” and when I need to shift away, it feels like I’m trying to swim against a really strong current. It makes me irritable. It takes me some time to drag my attention outward again. Everything seems harsh and unpleasant, suddenly.
I will need to make an effort to see other humans, away from work, too – which.. well, I really enjoy being a hermit, so that’s going to be rough.
The good, I suppose, is that Coffee will be doing work-related stuff that he’ll enjoy. And I’ll be able to go to bed at 7pm and sprawl like a starfish across the king-sized bed.
Maybe I’ll discover that I am surprisingly self-sufficient, or maybe he’ll return to find out that I was fired and we now live in our cars. It’ll be an adventure.