We avoid our fear of pain, humiliation, anxiety, looking stupid, failing … and we develop all kinds of ways to protect ourselves, from walling ourselves off from danger and being overwhelmed, to avoiding difficult conversations, difficult projects, and any situations where we might flop on our faces.
All told, it was a good long weekend. Coffee and I both had Friday off from work which meant we ran a few errands together and bought far more snacks at Costco than anyone would consider reasonable.
I’ve started organizing the kitchen – slowly but surely – which is just absolutely the weirdest thing. I am having to do it in small, slow bits, because otherwise I get completely and utterly overwhelmed. Like, panicky-overwhelmed. There’s absolutely no reason for that level of freaking out, all things considered, but I had to take multiple breaks and walk away and distract myself. I am hoping (nearly) everything will be in place by the end of this week.
There are still things that need to be finished in the kitchen – Coffee is working steadily on trim, the TV/audio needs to be installed, and the kickplates need to go on to the cabinets. I’m sure there are other things, too, but that’s what I’ve got off the top of my head.
I am beginning to start thinking about cooking again – baking Coffee his promised cake, of course, but also all the various things I’ll be able to cook in my instant pots. I bought some salads at Costco which, COME ON, if you know me you know that salads and lunch are two of my all-time favourite things. The fact that I’ll be able to eat salads on a regular basis is just fucking amazingly good news. And it’s goddamned salad SEASON right now, which makes it even better.
Similarly, smoothies. My blender will soon be relocating upstairs to the kitchen and I’ll be able to toss all my various ingredients in and go back to drinking my breakfasts out of enormous glass mason jars. (I suspect my body is going to need some time to adjust to chia seeds and fibre and all that good stuff, again, but that’s fine.)
So close! So clooooooooooose!
(I legit just started to feel overwhelmed again. Deep breaths.)
I went for a few bike rides this weekend and very much enjoyed wobbling around some of the light trails near home. Plenty of goslings, not too many people wandering about, and lots of fresh air. I still dread the ride home – up hill, no matter how I approach it – so am having to carefully ration my energy.
I’ve been a bit too cautious, maybe, in that I come home and drink some water and shower.. and then think maybe I should have ridden longer because I don’t feel “done”. I guess that’s better than having to call Coffee from the other side of the city and beg him to come and get me? Either way, fun. So much fun.
I had a bunch of things scheduled for tomorrow at work and, on checking my messages today, discovered they’re cancelled. I’m working from home, probably in my jammas, with the music turned up. Plenty of emails with which to contend, plenty of work stuff to do, but I’ll ease into the week. And maybe even go for a nice lunch time bike ride if the weather cooperates.
I fucking love spring.
Perhaps you have come here looking for my thoughts, or my feelings, about mother’s day? You will be sadly disappointed – I have nothing new to say. It is still a complicated day that I really wish would stop showing up every year because, ultimately, it just feels like a lot of pressure on all sides.
Let’s move on.
Michelle asked if I was working on ‘spontaneity’ in place of (or alongside?) ‘boundaries’ and my answer is pretty much: no. I mean, I’m not averse to shaking things up in my life – ON MY OWN TERMS, WITH NO INTERFERENCE FROM ANYONE TRYING TO BE SPONTANEOUS – but I am also really quite comfortable with my routines and my habits. They keep me in line. They keep my life from melting down.
I rather enjoy a certain degree of predictability. I am also okay with doing something spontaneously if I feel the urge.
Rather un-spontaneously, earlier today I went out shopping for drawer liners which, I gotta’ say, is about as exciting as you’d imagine it to be. We’re looking for some easy-to-clean liners for the new kitchen drawers in order to keep things from getting scuffed up and stained for as long as possible. Ideally inexpensive and durable.
The only kind of drawer liners that I could find at the store were scented – lavender or cucumber – and, even though I knew I could just shout, “LOOK, SPONTANEITY!” I also knew that I didn’t want to line the kitchen drawers with anything scented. (Yes, these were meant for clothing drawers and not kitchens. The store had nothing for kitchens.)
When I left the store, empty-handed, I realized that it was really windy – which would not be even a tiny bit conducive to the bike ride I had hoped to take. I had already mentally allocated about 45 minutes of my afternoon to that ride, however, so instead of heading home I decided to take a little walk over at a local park.
The key thing about this park is that it has a gigantic hill – ridiculously large when compared to anything else in the city. I figured if I hiked up the side of it, then wandered around a bit, I could kill at least 20 minutes (or maybe 3 hours, gasping on the side of the hill).
The hike up wasn’t as terrible as I expected – I mean, it’s a damned steep hill and I wasn’t on a path. But even with a bit of photo-taking at the top, a brief conversation with a dog (and her owner), and some time spent watching birds dive-bombing each other, I was back to my car about 35 minutes later.
And it was a lovely little break with some sunshine and fresh air.
And Coffee called it “spontaneous”.
And I swear, I’ll be done cracking jokes about spontaneity soon. Probably.
The weather today was (to me, at least) perfect for a bike ride – so I waited until the traffic had died down a bit, made a few adjustments to my bike, grabbed my helmet, and hit the road.
The good news is that I didn’t die.
My plan was to practice my low gears – the ones that are important for hauling myself up hills (which is important, since my house is literally surrounded by hills and the only way home is to go up them after a ride).
There was a hilarious moment where I was dying – gasping for air and white-knuckling to not get off my bike while making my way up a hill at a snail’s pace – and I looked beside me, on the sidewalk, and saw a teenager walking along carrying a skateboard. He was outpacing me and steadfastly avoiding looking at me.
I kicked his ass soundly on the downhill, though, so I’m pretty sure that counts as a win. Right?
I’ve been toying with the idea of attempting to ride on every street in my neighbourhood – not for any particular reason, just for fun. (I haven’t quite decided how I’m defining the ‘hood yet, so for the time being it’s just a matter of riding aimlessly around here, I guess.)
I couldn’t find an app to map my rides for me (not for free, at least) but I’m trying out Strava Multiple Ride Mapper to see if it will do the trick. So far, so good. (I tried it out with last year’s data + today’s ride, and it worked perfectly.)
Riding my bike used to be one of my favourite things to do – for years, really – and then it slowly stopped being as much fun (for a variety of reasons) and then I kind of got back into it and then it fell away again.. and then I went back and forth a few more times.
It’s nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine, though, and my bike is really comfortable (albeit heavy) now that I’ve moved away from the fancy racing road and mountain bikes. Good times. Guess we’ll see how this goes in the coming weeks. (I’m not much of a fan of summer heat + sweaty activities..)
Me: I CAN be spontaneous! Why don’t you think I’m spontaneous??
Coffee: Why don’t I think you’re spontaneous? You like to stay at home, you don’t like to go to other people’s houses, you don’t want people in our house, when people come to the door unexpectedly you hide in the basement and basically just want me to get them to go away..
Me: Wait. Our bedroom and office is in the basement! I’m not hiding in a real basement. You make me sound like a cat that runs and hides behind boxes when the doorbell rings!
Me: I mean, if I thought people could see in through the basement windows I totally WOULD hide between two cardboard boxes in a dark corner..
Me: Fine. But I COULD be spontaneous.