Category Archives: music

Weighted.

Published / by violet / 1 Comment on Weighted.

There is a big, heavy block of discontent nestled into the centre of my brain right now – and it keeps shifting to a place in my stomach, then back to my brain, back to my stomach, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I know what it’s about and I know what caused it. I know that I can’t do much to change those circumstances, but I also can’t seem to find a way to get the heaviness out of my system.

Recently I was talking to someone about the difference between (for lack of a better term) lifestyle changes to shift someone’s addiction and a full-on residential addiction treatment plan. The person was talking about all the small things that a person can do – eat better, spend more time with friends, get outside for fresh air – and how all of these things, combined and in part, will help with the healing process.

I countered, though, by saying that while the piece-by-piece method may work for some (and it definitely does) for others it’s akin to trying to heal a thousand injuries one by one. Every time you ‘fix’ one part, another wound re-opens. Every time you manage to slap a bandaid on something, another part develops an infection. Some people have the ability to focus on 28 different wounds, in a balanced way, but I think most people get worn out and overwhelmed.

Honestly, I use physical injury metaphors a lot – people tend to understand them.

As it goes, you have this option of trying to heal all of your wounds individually – or you check yourself in for major surgery. With the second option, you’re ripped open, the infection is scraped out, you’re washed and disinfected, everything is stitched up, and with any luck you return to your life needing to tend one single wound for a while.. until it heals.  The process is intensely painful but the healing is ultimately faster.

(That’s a reaaaaaaally simplified picture, I realize. But it sort of works for me.)

I really feel like right now I need to rip open my brain, scrub it out and disinfect it, and then get on with things – but I can’t figure out how. The metaphor only goes so far.  It’s not about looking for a new therapist (although I should probably get back on that path sometime) but more about trying to figure out what, exactly needs to be cleaned out.

All of my emotions right now are useful and appropriate – but they’re not being directed anywhere. They’re just sitting there, burning holes in my brain.  Conversations with me right now are just chock full of weird complaints – I can hear them coming out of my mouth in an unstoppable stream. Even nice things prod me to start muttering unpleasantly about some specific issues in a cranky voice.

Re-reading some of the Dalai Lama’s writings. Trying to distract myself. Trying to think positive things. Trying to avoid stabbing someone. Sending some emails that I’ve been weighing for a bit. All the little things that, hopefully, added up will help.

Nothing’s working, so far.

But..

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

Or I may just need to burn it down..

The Ocean Is Full ‘Cuz Everyone’s Crying*.

Published / by violet / 2 Comments on The Ocean Is Full ‘Cuz Everyone’s Crying*.

Being human is hard work. It’s not without its joys and adventures and moments of pure, unadulterated bliss – but it’s fucking hard work.  We all deal with loss and sadness and bullshit.By the time I hit adulthood, I don’t think I knew anyone who hadn’t been through something awful. We all do our best to make it through as unscathed as possible – and the universe kind of bounces us around. It is what it is.

That said, it is constantly amazing to me just how many different types of bullshit people manage to endure and just how many variations there can be on a theme. When I went through some hard times, I vividly recall people saying things like, “Gee, I don’t know how you do it.” and.. well, what’s the other fucking option? There isn’t one. You get up, you trudge through the day/week/month and then you reap the praise (ha) for having done it. And, over time, it gets better, hopefully.

Hey, this is uplifting! Why don’t we just go talk about boundaries. KEEP WITH THE GODDAMNED THEME, VIOLET. (That wasn’t the intended theme here. I didn’t meant to get stuck on that, but here we are. You’re the one choosing to read this.)

I’m drunk blogging.. so let’s see if I can keep this together in some coherent-ish way. I’m going to apologize for any typos, but I’m also not going to go back and proofread this (she says, as if she EVER goes back and proofreads – ha!).

(The best part of a Moscow Mule is the little pulpy bits of lime, btw. And I absolutely hate pulp, so make of that what you will. Holy shit, this is just going to be the longest nonsense blog post ever.)

The boundary thing is going just fine and dandy, since you asked. I have forewarned my (relevant) coworkers so they can drag me aside at some future date and say, “Hey, remember when you said you were going to be shuffling some boundaries? Yeah, TIME TO STOP.” I have also dragged those same coworkers into deeper discussions about boundaries. It’s been fun. No one leaves the room when I show up, yet, but it’s probably coming.

The flip side is more interesting right now. One of the guys who works with me is in a bit of a transition at the moment and has been trying to figure out his own boundaries.  His situation is different – he’s one of those people who will literally give you the shirt off of his back in the middle of winter.  And that was okay for him under different circumstances but he’s trying to change that.. which goes against everything in his soul, apparently.

I can literally, from across the room, feel his discomfort at trying to change this – even though, intellectually, he knows what he wants to do. It’s hilarious in the sense that I’m looking at him like, “Fuck no! Give NOTHING!” and I’m pretty sure he’s looking at me like, “Goddamn, Violet, give SOMETHING.”

It’s not quite that black-and-white, but it might as well be.  Both appropriately protective of our reasons.

We will probably never discuss this in-depth. Ha. Uncomfortable!

I am rather enjoying observing the contrast.   Actually, I prefer observing it because I can intellectualize it that way. Much better.

Stay in your head! Yes! I’m good with that!

The good news is that I get about 400 chances to toy with my boundaries every week, so I can keep practicing! Yay!  I don’t think there’s really any other way to work it out.

I’m going to bed now. Apparently I just remembered that drinking makes me sleepy. Fuck, I’m old.

* Instead of the song the title is pulled from, you can listen to this one: