Category Archives: music

Why Not?

Published / by violet / 2 Comments on Why Not?

Mayhaps I shall attempt NaBloPoMo this year. (This is a good start, right? The fact that I wrote something?)  Let’s all stay optimistic about it getting a little more profound as the month goes on. Weed is legal in Canada now, which has always been a nice way for me to get inspired to write, so there’s at least some possibility I can sustain this for a month solid.

What’s new.. what’s new.. The Middle Kid is moving out to an apartment (shared with a coworker) in exactly 3 days. We kindly paid his first-and-last for him, he’s taking some old furniture with him, and we’ll see how all of this goes.  I imagine he’ll have the same adjustment everyone does when they move out – as much as he’s been independent in a lot of ways, there’s still a learning curve when every detail is suddenly your full responsibility.

Related, Coffee and I have been arguing over what will happen with the (soon to be) vacant room in our house – he says something about an ‘exercise room’ and I think it would be more fun to either move all of my friends in (bunk beds!) or just hand it over to clients (also bunk beds!).  I suspect he’s going to win this since, y’know, boundaries or whatever. I have a few clients who I’m sure wouldn’t mind sleeping next to an exercise bike and/or rowing machine or whatever the hell is going into that room, though, so I may have to force a compromise…

On that note, work has been interesting – in the curse sense – for the past bit. There are some delightful glimmers of good stuff amidst the full-on shit-show.. but none of it (good or bad) is suitable for writing about here.  I suppose, if nothing else, it’s a good opportunity to reevaluate a lot of things.

Louise has her snow shoes on and goes in, tomorrow, for her oil spray. That’s pretty much as prepared as I can get for winter’s arrival – although my snow brush is missing somewhere, I think, so I should at least dig that out (or buy a new one) in the next day or two.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got here.  If you have some inspirational topics for me, let me know… 30 days is a lot.

 

 

Weighted.

Published / by violet / 1 Comment on Weighted.

There is a big, heavy block of discontent nestled into the centre of my brain right now – and it keeps shifting to a place in my stomach, then back to my brain, back to my stomach, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I know what it’s about and I know what caused it. I know that I can’t do much to change those circumstances, but I also can’t seem to find a way to get the heaviness out of my system.

Recently I was talking to someone about the difference between (for lack of a better term) lifestyle changes to shift someone’s addiction and a full-on residential addiction treatment plan. The person was talking about all the small things that a person can do – eat better, spend more time with friends, get outside for fresh air – and how all of these things, combined and in part, will help with the healing process.

I countered, though, by saying that while the piece-by-piece method may work for some (and it definitely does) for others it’s akin to trying to heal a thousand injuries one by one. Every time you ‘fix’ one part, another wound re-opens. Every time you manage to slap a bandaid on something, another part develops an infection. Some people have the ability to focus on 28 different wounds, in a balanced way, but I think most people get worn out and overwhelmed.

Honestly, I use physical injury metaphors a lot – people tend to understand them.

As it goes, you have this option of trying to heal all of your wounds individually – or you check yourself in for major surgery. With the second option, you’re ripped open, the infection is scraped out, you’re washed and disinfected, everything is stitched up, and with any luck you return to your life needing to tend one single wound for a while.. until it heals.  The process is intensely painful but the healing is ultimately faster.

(That’s a reaaaaaaally simplified picture, I realize. But it sort of works for me.)

I really feel like right now I need to rip open my brain, scrub it out and disinfect it, and then get on with things – but I can’t figure out how. The metaphor only goes so far.  It’s not about looking for a new therapist (although I should probably get back on that path sometime) but more about trying to figure out what, exactly needs to be cleaned out.

All of my emotions right now are useful and appropriate – but they’re not being directed anywhere. They’re just sitting there, burning holes in my brain.  Conversations with me right now are just chock full of weird complaints – I can hear them coming out of my mouth in an unstoppable stream. Even nice things prod me to start muttering unpleasantly about some specific issues in a cranky voice.

Re-reading some of the Dalai Lama’s writings. Trying to distract myself. Trying to think positive things. Trying to avoid stabbing someone. Sending some emails that I’ve been weighing for a bit. All the little things that, hopefully, added up will help.

Nothing’s working, so far.

But..

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

Or I may just need to burn it down..