We do not Believe in
Ourselves until someone
Reveals that deep inside us
Something is valuable,
Worth listening to, worthy
Of our touch, sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves we can
Risk curiosity, wonder, Spontaneous
Delight, or any experience that reveals
The human spirit.
— e.e. cummings
Me: I CAN be spontaneous! Why don’t you think I’m spontaneous??
Coffee: Why don’t I think you’re spontaneous? You like to stay at home, you don’t like to go to other people’s houses, you don’t want people in our house, when people come to the door unexpectedly you hide in the basement and basically just want me to get them to go away..
Me: Wait. Our bedroom and office is in the basement! I’m not hiding in a real basement. You make me sound like a cat that runs and hides behind boxes when the doorbell rings!
Me: I mean, if I thought people could see in through the basement windows I totally WOULD hide between two cardboard boxes in a dark corner..
Me: Fine. But I COULD be spontaneous.
While trying to explain my feelings to Coffee about needing to go home, he acknowledged that our lives lack some spontaneity as a result of the way it’s structured. I tried to claim otherwise but, as the person who is an emotional disaster without enough sleep, I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on.
Yesterday I got home from work and, shortly thereafter, I tossed some laundry into the washing machine. When Coffee got home, we had the following conversation:
Me: Hey! I’ve got clothes in the washing machine! Do you wanna’ know why?
Coffee: Uhh.. why?
Me: Because they needed to be washed and I decided FUCK IT! I’m washing them now! I’m not waiting until after 7pm and the stupid ‘time of use’ change! I WAS BEING SPONTANEOUS.
Coffee: You know we’ll pay more for the electricity, right?
Me: I don’t care! I’ve got a Devil-May-Care attitude! I’ll pay that extra 30 cents! I’ll do it!
Me: And next month, when the hydro bill arrives, I’ll see that our bill was an extra 30 cents and I’ll think, oh, that’s okay, I WAS BEING SPONTANEOUS. IT WAS WORTH IT!
Me: … yeah. I know.