Sunshine.

Published / by violet / 2 Comments on Sunshine.

Perhaps you have come here looking for my thoughts, or my feelings, about mother’s day?  You will be sadly disappointed – I have nothing new to say. It is still a complicated day that I really wish would stop showing up every year because, ultimately, it just feels like a lot of pressure on all sides.

Let’s move on.

Michelle asked if I was working on ‘spontaneity’ in place of (or alongside?) ‘boundaries’ and my answer is pretty much: no.  I mean, I’m not averse to shaking things up in my life – ON MY OWN TERMS, WITH NO INTERFERENCE FROM ANYONE TRYING TO BE SPONTANEOUS – but I am also really quite comfortable with my routines and my habits. They keep me in line. They keep my life from melting down.

I rather enjoy a certain degree of predictability. I am also okay with doing something spontaneously if I feel the urge.

Rather un-spontaneously, earlier today I went out shopping for drawer liners which, I gotta’ say, is about as exciting as you’d imagine it to be. We’re looking for some easy-to-clean liners for the new kitchen drawers in order to keep things from getting scuffed up and stained for as long as possible.  Ideally inexpensive and durable.

The only kind of drawer liners that I could find at the store were scented – lavender or cucumber – and, even though I knew I could just shout, “LOOK, SPONTANEITY!” I also knew that I didn’t want to line the kitchen drawers with anything scented.  (Yes, these were meant for clothing drawers and not kitchens. The store had nothing for kitchens.)

When I left the store, empty-handed, I realized that it was really windy – which would not be even a tiny bit conducive to the bike ride I had hoped to take. I had already mentally allocated about 45 minutes of my afternoon to that ride, however, so instead of heading home I decided to take a little walk over at a local park.

The key thing about this park is that it has a gigantic hill – ridiculously large when compared to anything else in the city. I figured if I hiked up the side of it, then wandered around a bit, I could kill at least 20 minutes (or maybe 3 hours, gasping on the side of the hill).

The hike up wasn’t as terrible as I expected – I mean, it’s a damned steep hill and I wasn’t on a path. But even with a bit of photo-taking at the top, a brief conversation with a dog (and her owner), and some time spent watching birds dive-bombing each other, I was back to my car about 35 minutes later.

And it was a lovely little break with some sunshine and fresh air.

And Coffee called it “spontaneous”.

And I swear, I’ll be done cracking jokes about spontaneity soon. Probably.

Spin.

Published / by violet / 1 Comment on Spin.

The weather today was (to me, at least) perfect for a bike ride – so I waited until the traffic had died down a bit, made a few adjustments to my bike, grabbed my helmet, and hit the road.

The good news is that I didn’t die.

My plan was to practice my low gears – the ones that are important for hauling myself up hills (which is important, since my house is literally surrounded by hills and the only way home is to go up them after a ride).

There was a hilarious moment where I was dying – gasping for air and white-knuckling to not get off my bike while making my way up a hill at a snail’s pace – and I looked beside me, on the sidewalk, and saw a teenager walking along carrying a skateboard. He was outpacing me and steadfastly avoiding looking at me.

I kicked his ass soundly on the downhill, though, so I’m pretty sure that counts as a win. Right?

I’ve been toying with the idea of attempting to ride on every street in my neighbourhood – not for any particular reason, just for fun. (I haven’t quite decided how I’m defining the ‘hood yet, so for the time being it’s just a matter of riding aimlessly around here, I guess.)

I couldn’t find an app to map my rides for me (not for free, at least) but I’m trying out Strava Multiple Ride Mapper to see if it will do the trick.  So far, so good. (I tried it out with last year’s data + today’s ride, and it worked perfectly.)

Riding my bike used to be one of my favourite things to do – for years, really – and then it slowly stopped being as much fun (for a variety of reasons) and then I kind of got back into it and then it fell away again.. and then I went back and forth a few more times.

It’s nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine, though, and my bike is really comfortable (albeit heavy) now that I’ve moved away from the fancy racing road and mountain bikes. Good times. Guess we’ll see how this goes in the coming weeks. (I’m not much of a fan of summer heat + sweaty activities..)

I Can’t Fit Under The Sofa, That’s Why.

Published / by violet / 1 Comment on I Can’t Fit Under The Sofa, That’s Why.

Me: I CAN be spontaneous! Why don’t you think I’m spontaneous??

Coffee: Why don’t I think you’re spontaneous? You like to stay at home, you don’t like to go to other people’s houses, you don’t want people in our house, when people come to the door unexpectedly you hide in the basement and basically just want me to get them to go away..

Me: Wait. Our bedroom and office is in the basement! I’m not hiding in a real basement. You make me sound like a cat that runs and hides behind boxes when the doorbell rings!

Coffee: ..

Me: I mean, if I thought people could see in through the basement windows I totally WOULD hide between two cardboard boxes in a dark corner..

Coffee: ..

Me: Fine. But I COULD be spontaneous.

Spontaneous.

Published / by violet / 3 Comments on Spontaneous.

While trying to explain my feelings to Coffee about needing to go home, he acknowledged that our lives lack some spontaneity as a result of the way it’s structured. I tried to claim otherwise but, as the person who is an emotional disaster without enough sleep, I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on.

Yesterday I got home from work and, shortly thereafter, I tossed some laundry into the washing machine. When Coffee got home, we had the following conversation:

Me: Hey! I’ve got clothes in the washing machine! Do you wanna’ know why?

Coffee: Uhh.. why?

Me: Because they needed to be washed and I decided FUCK IT! I’m washing them now! I’m not waiting until after 7pm and the stupid ‘time of use’ change! I WAS BEING SPONTANEOUS.

Coffee: You know we’ll pay more for the electricity, right?

Me: I don’t care! I’ve got a Devil-May-Care attitude! I’ll pay that extra 30 cents! I’ll do it!

Coffee: Ooookay.

Me: And next month, when the hydro bill arrives, I’ll see that our bill was an extra 30 cents and I’ll think, oh, that’s okay, I WAS BEING SPONTANEOUS. IT WAS WORTH IT!

Coffee: …

Me: … yeah. I know.

Time To Go Home.

Published / by violet / Leave a Comment

Recently, after an evening presentation, I realized that I was the only person in the group who needed to go home.

Allow me to clarify – it is not that I have a curfew. If I am working late, or if I’m going out somewhere, no one gets upset. There is no automatic lock on the front door of my house that won’t let me in if I arrive past a certain time. I don’t have a small child asleep in the house that will awaken if I come home too late.

But there comes a time in the evening where I realize that there is nothing else I need, or particularly want, to be doing. It is time to go home. It is time to start my bedtime routine, brush my teeth, read my book for a bit.

I am a person who needs a decent quantity of sleep – perhaps because the quality of my sleep is pretty shitty – and (whether I like it or not) Coffee and I generally get up at a fairly predictable time in the mornings, even on the weekends.

At some point in any given evening, I calculate how much time remains between the present moment and the time I’ll be waking up – – and then I start making my way towards my bed, in some cases by climbing into my car and heading in that general direction.

I can’t think of anything I want to be doing at midnight outside of my home. Any hour after midnight is basically imaginary because it’s not even a consideration.

The thing is, as I realized recently, the majority of the people around me do not have this constraint on themselves. They spontaneously head to their partner’s place at midnight. They get home at 10 pm and immediately head over to their neighbour’s place to hang out (and their neighbour is also awake and doing things at this point in time). They congregate downtown. They go to the park.

They wander.

It’s the wandering that gets me. It’s the lack of routine, of schedule.

Most of my friends are at an age where they are living similarly to me – with the exception of a party or a gathering or an event, it’s sort of assumed that if something we’re attending ends at 9pm, we’re all just headed home.

The other night I had finished the presentation, was dropping someone off, and a few minutes later I was involved in a conversation with two other people. I started to feel weird – sort of lost? The situation seemed strange, all things considered, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.

And then I realized: without question, the conversation could have gone on for hours – neither of the other people had anywhere to be, no worries about getting to bed on time for an early wake-up.  No one felt like they had to excuse themselves to go elsewhere, to go inside their apartment, to point out that it was close to 10 pm.

I went home and tried to explain this to Coffee – who was like, “Okay, soo…?” and then tried to explain the difference between my life (and all the resulting responsibilities that come with my life) and the lives that other people live.  And look, I know this. I mean, I know that I am a fussy, delicate princess. I know that I need to be reliable and mentally stable for my job (which means going to bed at a decent hour).

But it is still fucking weird to know that when I head home – because that’s what I do at the end of the day – other people feel absolutely no pressure to do that themselves. I dunno. Maybe I’m not explaining this well. It’s just.. weird.