Not Waving But Drowning

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Not Waving but Drowning
– Stevie Smith
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

NaBloPoMo Can Blow Me.

Published / by violet / 4 Comments on NaBloPoMo Can Blow Me.

Oh good, it’s day 2 and I’ve got.. nothing. Unless I’m literally just going to recount my day, like a true diary from whenever it was that people kept actual diaries? No, no I am not.

Some random things:

Today Coffee and I went together to deliver something to a client. On arriving, the client came out to meet us and started talking, sort of upset, about being threatened by someone with a non-traditional weapon. There were verbal threats made. In the past, this would likely have upset me – like, should I take this person with me? Call police? Call someone else? – but my response in this instance was, “Oh, man, that’s shitty..” followed by doing exactly what I was doing before that. My clients’ lives have a lot of shitty things in them and I have learned that things change fast – so, honestly, unless I saw the person show up with the non-traditional weapon in hand, I was fine. I am sure that now, a few hours later, everything is fine there, too.

I am constantly being reminded that the people I really like are generally viewed as being scary, terrible people. And in some cases, they are legitimately kind of.. terrible people. But most of them are truly lovely and kind people going through shitty things (see above) and even the terrible people have positive qualities that I can find quite easily. People do whatever they need to do to survive – I can’t judge if I’ve never been in their shoes.

(Obviously, I believe in, and practice, unconditional positive regard when I am working.)

Every time I drive Louise somewhere, it seems, I end up in conversation with a random stranger. Usually it’s some guy yelling about how beautiful she is – which seems, lately, to end with that stranger lying on the ground trying to look at her underbelly. I don’t know why, but it’s what dudes do apparently. I am charmed by this. She is just the best fucking thing since sliced bread.

I am dreading winter.

Baking season is nice, though. Pretty glad that’s happening now.

I am desperately behind on my Goodreads goal of 100 books – I gotta’ buckle down and stop falling asleep while reading.

I’m done here.

Why Not?

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Mayhaps I shall attempt NaBloPoMo this year. (This is a good start, right? The fact that I wrote something?)  Let’s all stay optimistic about it getting a little more profound as the month goes on. Weed is legal in Canada now, which has always been a nice way for me to get inspired to write, so there’s at least some possibility I can sustain this for a month solid.

What’s new.. what’s new.. The Middle Kid is moving out to an apartment (shared with a coworker) in exactly 3 days. We kindly paid his first-and-last for him, he’s taking some old furniture with him, and we’ll see how all of this goes.  I imagine he’ll have the same adjustment everyone does when they move out – as much as he’s been independent in a lot of ways, there’s still a learning curve when every detail is suddenly your full responsibility.

Related, Coffee and I have been arguing over what will happen with the (soon to be) vacant room in our house – he says something about an ‘exercise room’ and I think it would be more fun to either move all of my friends in (bunk beds!) or just hand it over to clients (also bunk beds!).  I suspect he’s going to win this since, y’know, boundaries or whatever. I have a few clients who I’m sure wouldn’t mind sleeping next to an exercise bike and/or rowing machine or whatever the hell is going into that room, though, so I may have to force a compromise…

On that note, work has been interesting – in the curse sense – for the past bit. There are some delightful glimmers of good stuff amidst the full-on shit-show.. but none of it (good or bad) is suitable for writing about here.  I suppose, if nothing else, it’s a good opportunity to reevaluate a lot of things.

Louise has her snow shoes on and goes in, tomorrow, for her oil spray. That’s pretty much as prepared as I can get for winter’s arrival – although my snow brush is missing somewhere, I think, so I should at least dig that out (or buy a new one) in the next day or two.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got here.  If you have some inspirational topics for me, let me know… 30 days is a lot.



55 Million.

Published / by violet / 2 Comments on 55 Million.

The current lottery jackpot is 55 million dollars. This morning, over coffee, we discussed what we’d do if we won (alternating between practical “put most of it into a trust” and daydreaming a bit).

Coffee declared that we’d collect the money and immediately leave town for at least 2 weeks. This, apparently, will prevent people from asking us for money immediately.  I’m not sure about that, but I’ll take a 2 week vacation anyway. Where? I’m not sure yet.

After that, I’m buying a 2nd Mustang (a brand new one – the hundred thousand+ dollar version) for my ‘summer ride’ and doing a few upgrades to Louise as my daily driver.

We’re buying a ‘vacation home’ in Hamilton and oh, for the hell of it, a cottage up north somewhere vaguely remote.  And, of course, paying off our existing mortgage and car loans and whatnots.

I will buy some Fluevogs and get a lot of tattoos.

Coffee (with me in tow) will travel to a lot of running-related things – races in other cities and countries.  I am insisting on Japan and Iceland.

I will take some private lessons in all sorts of things that I want to learn. Private so that I can ask a lot of questions – starting with sewing lessons, I think.

There will be some sort of investment made – and, essentially, an ‘allowance’ given to us – so we’ll be financially secure for the rest of our lives. Coffee will quit his job. I will shift my job to being mostly a volunteer thing where I do only the things I want to do and none of the stuff I don’t.

I’d also like to create something that would benefit my clients in a really good way – maybe create some housing? – but I’m not positive what that would look like other than I suppose it would be about creating a charitable org.  This will take some thinking.

Anyway – I can’t wait.  It’s going to be great.


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I’ve been off of Facebook for the week – as I usually try to do when I take some vacation/time off from work – and I can’t say that I’ve missed any part of it other than the distraction it provides when I’m bored or in-between things.  This isn’t part of some big picture disconnect from social media; I’ll be right back on FB soon enough.

The break made me realized how much of my work had seeped into my social media, though I should have known –  I always get messages from people who want to set up presentations or ask me about media things or invite me to things or just ask my opinion.  And I love talking about my job, so getting the occasional message with that kind of content doesn’t bother me, generally.

But.. in my ‘spare time’, using social media, I’m also keeping the agency facebook pages going, trying to remember to use twitter sometimes, reading articles that are work-related (to subsequently post to the work pages), and trying to stay on top of the relevant issues.   So, it’s a post to my personal page about what I ate for dinner and then 5 posts for work.  My FB feed is full of posts from other agencies, groups, media, advocacy..  not to mention all of the friends I have who work with me, in some way, or in parallel ways (who are also posting related content!) I’m guilty of this too – there are plenty of times where I’ve messaged a coworker who I know rarely checks email/texts because I need info (or am curious about something) at 8pm.

So, taking a week off from FB was a pretty solid way to take a WEEK OFF from work. It seems a bit dramatic – but I tend to be all-in or all-out with a lot of difficulty finding space between. In everything. Not just work.  I’d like to be the sort of person who can compartmentalize (?) better but I literally don’t have the mental space to do it. If I’m not all-in on something, it pretty much doesn’t exist in my brain.

The week ahead is busy – I haven’t looked at my calendar (saving that for Sunday night! what a treat!) but I seem to remember a full day + evening on Monday, a full day + evening on Tuesday, something happening on Wednesday, a full day + van night on Thursday, and something happening on Friday.  (Here’s hoping I’m forgetting some big chunk of time where I can relax and catch up on things in a leisurely way – ha!)

First, though, 2 days left of .. whatever I feel like doing.